A few months ago, my first serious relationship ended after five years. I’m still not entirely sure how I feel about the breakup. But one thing has become painfully clear: a part of myself I once wanted to explore now brings up anxiety and sadness.
I’m a 30-year-old man, and I’ve long identified with BDSM, particularly as a submissive. My interest has always included the relationship around it: the trust between two people, the emotional closeness, and the dynamics they might choose together.
My ex, who is also 30, knew this from the beginning. At first, she expressed curiosity and said she wanted to learn more. I hoped that meant we could eventually explore it together. Looking back, I question how much of that curiosity was genuine. I can’t know exactly what she felt, but I often felt more useful as someone who helped manage her emotional struggles than understood as a partner.
Over time, the subject disappeared from our relationship. I stopped bringing it up because I didn’t want to make her uncomfortable, and because I dreaded another experience of rejection. Sometimes I feared disgust or judgment before we had even spoken.
I wanted to give us time. I wanted honest conversations and a loving relationship. I never wanted her to participate out of pressure or obligation. Still, keeping quiet left me carrying something important alone.
Similar mismatches had happened before. I’ve struggled to find someone compatible who could be clear about what interested them and what didn’t. Being a submissive man has also brought up shame around expectations of masculinity, even though I don’t believe there is anything wrong with this part of me.
Now I have no real motivation to explore it on my own. Something I used to enjoy feels tangled up with rejection. Knowing rationally that I’m not broken hasn’t made that feeling disappear.
After years of reading other people’s posts, I’m finally writing one myself. Has anyone else lost access to a part of themselves this way? How did you begin finding your way back?
