A woman’s romantic and sexual past can make me unhappy before I know what to do with the feeling. I start wondering how much she liked her exes, how attracted she was to them, and whether being with me measures up. Once those questions get going, they’re hard to leave alone.
Some of the comparisons are physical. I worry about whether a previous partner was bigger than me. Others are about desire: Did she want someone else more? Was there a person she felt especially drawn to in a way she doesn’t feel about me? I don’t have answers, but the possibilities bother me anyway.
Then there’s a kind of embarrassment I struggle to explain. If a man was intimate with her but didn’t want a relationship, I can feel as though he somehow got one over on me. I’m considering a relationship with her, yet I find myself comparing my position with his.
That spills into affection. I can feel self-conscious about being loving toward someone if I imagine that previous partners treated her casually or without much care. I also get caught up in imagining what happened between them. These are thoughts I’m having; I don’t know how accurately they reflect her experiences.
The worry underneath it all is that she might choose me because I’m the best option among the men willing to commit, while someone else remains the person she wanted most. I want to feel desired, and I keep wondering whether willingness to date me tells me enough.
I end up scrutinizing both her history and my own place in her life. Even being affectionate starts to feel exposed, because I’m thinking about people who aren’t in the relationship.
How do I deal with that? How do I stop turning her past into a comparison I’m afraid I’ve already lost?
