I’m sleeping with someone new, and I still want a future with my ex. Those two things can coexist in my head until I remember what my ex has already made clear: if he found out I’d been with another man, getting back together would be off the table.
I’m single. We aren’t trying again right now. Still, I’m living with the feeling that something I’m allowed to do could cost me something I haven’t stopped wanting.
My ex and I were together for eight years. He was there for me in ways that mattered, and I still love him. There were also painful moments, and trust was a problem throughout our relationship. Certain things would have to change before we could even consider another try. I don’t know whether I could fully trust him again, even if those changes happened.
That’s the uncomfortable part of wanting him back. I can picture being with him again more easily than I can picture what would make it different. Eight years gives me plenty to miss. It doesn’t tell me whether I’m missing the relationship itself or being attached to someone who has been part of so much of my life.
With the man I’m seeing now, things are much less defined. I like him. I’m attracted to him, and I enjoy the time we spend together. I don’t think I’m in love with him, or that I want a relationship with him. Casual sex is new to me, though, so even enjoying it comes with questions. Am I doing this because I want to, or because I want to know what it feels like to choose something different?
During those eight years, I became isolated and felt as though I lost a lot of myself. Now there’s a part of me that wants to meet people and experience life independently. I don’t want every new experience to be judged by whether it helps me get back to my ex. But I can’t confidently say that the casual relationship has nothing to do with avoiding my feelings for him, either.
Then there’s the question of telling him. I find it hard to lie, and I can’t imagine getting back together while keeping this from him. A relationship already troubled by trust would have something else sitting underneath it from the start. Yet telling him now could sound like I’m trying to hurt him, or asking him to wait while I work out what I want. I don’t want to do either.
Ending things with the other man wouldn’t erase what has already happened, or settle whether I actually want my old relationship back. Keeping it casual while hoping for reconciliation doesn’t resolve anything either. Being honest could close that possibility before I’ve worked out how much of it is love and how much is familiarity.
I don’t want us to reunite simply because eight years feels too big to leave behind. I also don’t want to offer him hope I’m not sure I can follow through on. For now, I haven’t decided whether to end the casual relationship or tell my ex about it.
