He always wants to be around his guy friends. Always. I keep coming back to that word because it’s the part that makes everything else feel harder to shrug off.
With me, it seems to be late-night stuff. That’s the space I get. Meanwhile, his friends appear to have access to the rest of the schedule.
I’m starting to wonder what that arrangement says about us, or whether there’s something he hasn’t told me. He mentioned that he used to participate in group sexual experiences, and I’ve been trying to figure out why he brought it up and whether it has anything to do with what’s happening now. On its own, it doesn’t tell me his orientation or what he wants from me.
Then last night he told me he and the guys were going on a cruise.
“Send me the info,” I said.
He explained that it was just for the guys. He said we could take another cruise by ourselves.
Which sounds nice. A trip together is a nice thing to suggest. But it’s difficult to know what to do with that suggestion when the trip with his friends is already something he’s telling me about, and ours is something we could do.
I don’t need to be included in every plan he makes. I’m trying to understand whether there’s a place for me beyond the late-night invitation. The cruise brought that question into focus because I asked for the details so easily, as if joining him were a reasonable possibility.
His answer was a separate trip, sometime. I’m still wondering where I fit into the plans he actually has.
