I was walking to my car after a friend’s party when I blew a kiss to a woman I knew. It was my goodbye after an evening in which she’d been a little flirty and I’d enjoyed the attention. Nothing physical happened. A few weeks later, I’m still trying to work out what to do with that moment.
I’m 30, my partner is 31, and we’ve been together for five years. She hadn’t come to the party because she didn’t know anyone there. I ran into an old acquaintance, had some drinks, and let myself get a bit carried away with feeling desirable. I regret the kiss now, but at the time I was feeling rather pleased with myself.
There’s no ongoing relationship with this woman to explain away. We barely speak, I haven’t contacted her since the party, and I have no intention of pursuing her. I don’t feel emotionally attached to her. I love my partner and don’t want to leave her. Those are the facts I keep reaching for when I ask myself whether this was cheating.
Yet calling it nothing feels dishonest, too. Blowing her a kiss was my part in the flirting. It wasn’t something she did while I stood there entirely uninvolved. I liked being noticed, and I sent some of that attention back. The fact that I was already leaving puts a limit on what happened; it doesn’t make the gesture accidental.
Emotional cheating is the phrase I’ve been turning over, although there was no emotional connection. I’m not secretly building a life with someone else or keeping a conversation going behind my partner’s back. But finding a label that doesn’t quite fit hasn’t made me feel better. I can rule out things I didn’t do without feeling good about the thing I did.
The harder question is whether to tell her. If I say something, she would have the chance to decide what that gesture means to her, rather than having me decide for both of us that it was too small to mention. She might also be hurt by an incident that ended that night. If I stay quiet, am I letting a regrettable moment end, or keeping it to myself because I don’t want to face her reaction? I don’t know where consideration ends and self-protection begins.
I’m uneasy about what I’d be asking of her if I confessed. I want relief from feeling guilty, but that doesn’t automatically make telling her a kindness. I could hand her something upsetting and then hope she reassures me that I’m still the partner she thought I was. That possibility bothers me almost as much as saying nothing.
There hasn’t been another message or another encounter. What’s still here, weeks later, is the goodbye I chose and a conversation I haven’t decided to start.
