I had sex with my boyfriend for the first time, and we struggled to find a rhythm. We would get started, then lose the position almost immediately. After a few attempts, neither of us seemed to know quite how to make it work.
I’m 19 and he’s 22. It was my first time, and he’d only had sex once before, so we were both working with very little experience. I expected some awkwardness. I just hadn’t known what that awkwardness would actually look like, or how many questions I’d have afterward.
I did want to be close to him. We’d been kissing, I was feeling turned on, and that was how we got there. But wanting it didn’t mean I suddenly knew what felt good or how to help us get comfortable.
That’s the part I find difficult to explain. My sex drive isn’t especially high, and I rarely explore on my own. I don’t have a clear sense of what I enjoy yet. If he were to ask me exactly what I wanted, I wouldn’t have a confident answer ready.
We’d been intimate in other ways before, including oral sex, but I haven’t reached orgasm with him. I don’t know how much of that comes from inexperience or simply not knowing my own preferences. I’m still trying to understand it myself.
I worry he might take that uncertainty as a sign that I’m not attracted to him. I don’t want him to have to guess what my reactions mean, but I’m also not sure how to explain something I haven’t figured out.
After struggling for a while, we stopped trying to make intercourse work and went back to oral sex. That was where the encounter ended. Now I’m left wondering what might help us feel more at ease next time—and how to tell him that I’m interested, even when I don’t yet know what to ask for.
