We’re on a long vacation that is supposed to be romantic, and I can’t bring myself to initiate intimacy with my wife. I’m 41. She’s 37. For years, I would have described myself as the person in our marriage who wanted more. Now I’m not sure that description fits.
I used to think about her constantly. That part of being together once felt so immediate that I didn’t have to examine it. Now, even when she changes clothes, I feel no physical or mental response. Her body hasn’t changed in some way that explains this. Something has changed in how I experience being close to her.
It has been more than five years without sexual intimacy, after roughly five years of watching it fade. That is a long time to keep wanting something and wondering whether it will return. I can’t point to the moment my own desire changed. I only know that here, with time away together, its absence is hard to miss.
When I think about intimacy now, I feel apprehensive. Then worried. Then hopeless. Even ordinary, nonsexual touch, which we still have, increasingly feels stressful. I struggle to explain that without making it sound as though I don’t love her. I do. I love her as a person, and part of me still wants us to reconnect.
But the familiar suggestions don’t seem to reach what I’m feeling. Date nights and affectionate touch can leave me feeling less connected, or make no significant difference at all. I want closeness to feel comforting. Instead, I’m aware of how uneasy I am.
Being on this vacation makes that especially difficult to put into words. We have the time together that is supposed to help, yet I feel as though we’re in a completely nonsexual relationship. I no longer know what I would be reaching for if I tried.
I’m still here, still loving her, still wondering whether continuing this way could eventually change something in either of us. Could that switch really flip after all these years? I don’t know how much longer I can keep waiting for a feeling I now approach with fear.
