About a month ago, I ended things with a man I’d been dating for a few months. He was lovely: kind, good company, someone I liked spending time with. I never quite felt the romantic or physical spark, though. I kept waiting for that part to arrive.
At 30, I wanted to give it a fair chance. It seemed reasonable that attraction might take longer than a date or two, especially when there was so much I liked about him. I didn’t want to dismiss a possible relationship just because it hadn’t started with an immediate pull.
So we kept going on dates. I got to know him better. The things I appreciated about him stayed true, but my feelings didn’t turn into something more. Eventually, I ended it.
What has stayed with me is how difficult it was to know when waiting had stopped making sense. Early on, “maybe it will grow” felt like a possibility. After a few months, I was still relying on the same maybe.
I can describe what was missing more easily than I can explain why it was missing. He hadn’t done anything wrong. I enjoyed his company. There just wasn’t the feeling that would have made continuing a romantic relationship honest.
Now I’m curious about how other people experience this, especially men dating in their 30s. Do you usually know fairly early whether you’re attracted to someone? Can you enjoy several dates and still be uncertain, or does that uncertainty usually tell you something?
I’m particularly interested in the times attraction actually developed. Was there a small pull from the beginning that became stronger? Or did someone you initially liked only as a person become someone you wanted to date?
I don’t assume men all experience this one way, or that women experience it another. I’d like to hear what it has looked like in someone else’s life. When you like the person and keep hoping for more, how do you recognize the point when another date is no longer giving things a chance?
