By the sixth time a woman ended things by telling me what a great guy I was, the compliment had become the part I dreaded. She had enjoyed getting to know me. I hadn't done anything wrong. The connection she needed wasn't there. The wording varied, but I kept arriving at the same ending with no clearer idea of how I'd got there.
I'm 28, and my last long relationship lasted five years. It ended three years ago. Since I started dating again, I've tried the apps, running clubs, fitness classes, parties, and introductions through friends. These women haven't all come from one place or one way of meeting people. That's part of what makes the repetition difficult to explain away.
The six I'm thinking of were women I dated over the past year, and each connection went on for a different length of time. They weren't my only dates. I've also met people once or twice and decided not to keep seeing them. I know what it is to meet someone and not want more. What's harder to understand is getting further along, then hearing that nothing was wrong but nothing could continue.
There was physical intimacy with all six women. That doesn't mean any of them owed me a relationship, or that we experienced the closeness in exactly the same way. It does make the idea that they only ever saw me as a friend feel like an incomplete explanation. Something drew us together. I don't know what was missing after that.
On paper, I can give a fairly convincing account of why dating should be going well. I'm in good shape, I own a condo in a major city, I have no debt, and my career is going well. I don't think a list of practical advantages should make someone fall for me. Still, when I start wondering what's wrong, those are the things I reach for because they're things I can actually assess.
And my life isn't just work and trying to find a partner. I run marathons and do triathlons. I take photographs, play the piano, and occasionally do stand-up. I read and cook, and I travel abroad once or twice a year. I've been to about 35 countries. None of that tells me what it's like to date me. Having interests and making a particular woman feel a connection are different questions.
I've asked friends, both men and women, about the amount of affection and interest I show. They tell me it seems healthy. I appreciate that, but their view can only tell me so much. They aren't the women deciding whether they want to keep dating me. Their reassurance doesn't give me access to those women's experience.
I can imagine the kind explanation being the whole explanation: they liked me, we were close, and the feeling they wanted never developed. I can also wonder whether there was something more specific they didn't want to say. I don't know which is true. A gentle rejection leaves room for both, and I keep getting caught in that space.
What I want isn't a way to argue any of them into staying. I want something I can understand well enough to respond to. If there's a pattern in how I date, I'd rather hear it plainly, even if it's uncomfortable. But the answer I keep receiving is that there was nothing I should have done differently. I'm asking what I could change, and that is where the conversation stops.
