He kissed me for the first time on our weekend trip to Florida. We had been dating for five months. I had a wonderful time with him, and I was glad the kiss finally happened. I was also trying to understand why it had taken that long.
I’m 31, a lawyer, and used to men who try to kiss me on the first date. He’s 36, a doctor, and more patient than I’m used to. Until that weekend, physical contact had mostly meant a light touch on my hand. He doesn’t make sexual comments or steer every conversation toward sex. I like that. Still, I don’t know whether the pace reflects consideration, his own preferences, or a difference in how much physical closeness we want.
There is a lot I like about dating him. We live in different states and see each other monthly. Each month has included a trip that he has paid for, with more planned for November and December. I look forward to seeing him. Once we get talking, the conversation flows; we aren’t spending our visits in silence.
What stays with me most is how calm I feel around him. He is consistent, kind, intelligent, and generous. I don’t have to guess which version of him will show up. That steadiness matters to me more than it might sound on a list of desirable qualities. I haven’t felt this unafraid around a man before.
But I usually have to start the conversations that let us know each other. If I ask about his family or his past, he can talk at length. He rarely volunteers those things. He also seldom asks about my life until I’ve asked about his, when the question comes back as a version of ‘What about you?’ I believe he’s interested once we’re talking. I wish that interest would sometimes take the lead.
On the trip, I asked what he had learned about himself through previous relationships—what had worked for him and what hadn’t. He said he didn’t want me comparing myself with his ex. That wasn’t what I was trying to do. I explained that I wanted to understand whether we were compatible, and that he didn’t have to share anything he wasn’t comfortable discussing. I brought it up once. The subject remained closed.
When I asked about his lack of questions, he said he didn’t believe in rushing or forcing things; we would learn about each other with time. I can appreciate patience. After five months, though, I’m struggling to tell where taking things slowly ends and leaving things unexplored begins.
The uncomfortable part is that I’m not strongly attracted to him. I keep hoping that knowing him better might deepen that attraction, which makes the difficulty getting those conversations started feel more consequential. His good qualities are real. So is the feeling that something between us hasn’t quite caught up with them.
Our careers matter to both of us. I have my own money and a comfortable life; his generosity isn’t access to a life I couldn’t otherwise have. During our vacation, he said my being a lawyer was his favorite thing about me. I wasn’t entirely pleased to hear it. I value his stability, too, so I can’t pretend I’m outside that calculation.
I’m already wondering who would move if we settled down. At the same time, I have to admit that some of my reluctance to walk away comes from fear that I won’t find this combination of kindness, stability, and respect again. We’ve finally had our first kiss. I still don’t know whether I want the future I’m trying to work out.
