I’m 21, and after a rough relationship, I spent a lot of time single. I worked on myself, figured out what made me happy, and got comfortable with my own life and hobbies. Eventually, I felt good enough that dating again seemed possible.
I genuinely thought I had healed. I wasn’t just waiting for another person to come along and make life enjoyable. I liked the life I already had. From that comfortable position, opening it up to someone else sounded like something I was ready to try.
Then I went on a date with someone I actually liked.
Afterward, I started getting anxious. I overthought things, especially when I felt uncertain about his intentions. I didn’t know where it was going, and instead of allowing some time to find out, I impulsively cut him off.
I regretted it almost immediately. I had liked him, and I’d ended the possibility before it had much room to develop. Eventually, I apologized, but nothing came of it. I completely understand that. An apology didn’t require him to give things another chance.
What has been hard to sit with is knowing how I would have felt if someone had done that to me. I keep thinking I may have pushed away something good. I can’t know what would have happened between us, but I do know that I let fear make a decision I didn’t feel good about afterward.
Being happy on my own had felt like evidence that I was ready. Liking someone brought up feelings I hadn’t had to manage while I was single. That caught me off guard, and I’m still disappointed by how quickly I acted on them.
I want to be able to feel vulnerable without giving up my standards. I know dating will involve discomfort and that I won’t always get immediate certainty about another person. Before I try again, I want some way to ground myself when that uncertainty starts feeling urgent.
I’m not ready to line up another date yet. I’m still trying to understand how to get through the anxious part without reaching for an ending I don’t actually want.
