I got into online sex work because I needed money. That’s the straightforward part, the reason I can say without feeling the need to explain everything else happening in my life.
But money wasn’t the only reason. I also wanted validation. I wanted some sexual satisfaction. Admitting those things makes me feel more exposed than admitting what I do for work.
I’m in a relationship with a partner who doesn’t want to have sex with me. There’s a whole situation behind that, and I’m not getting into it here. It matters because it’s part of why attention from other people means so much to me right now.
I’ve been down on my luck, and being wanted has its own appeal when I’m already feeling low. I can acknowledge that without pretending I understand exactly how much it influenced my decision. The financial need was real. So was the other need.
My partner knows I’m doing sex work. They also know I enjoy it—more than I feel I should. I haven’t been keeping the work itself a secret, which makes the guilt harder for me to sort out.
I haven’t had sex with anyone else. Everything has been online. That distinction matters to me, but it hasn’t stopped the feeling that I’m somehow cheating.
The part I keep stumbling over is my own enjoyment. If this were only about earning money, I think I’d find it easier to explain to myself. Instead, I’m getting attention I want, and then feeling bad because I wanted it.
I don’t know what amount of enjoyment would suddenly feel acceptable to me, either. I’ve already caught myself describing it as more than I should, without being able to say where that line is.
My partner knows what I’m doing and knows that I like it. I’m still left with the uncomfortable admission underneath all of it: I needed the money, and I wanted to feel wanted.
