My boyfriend is honest, including about things I probably wouldn’t have thought to ask. When he was single and lonely, he hired a professional cuddler. He still follows that person online and occasionally likes their posts. He also told me he used explicit manga when I wasn’t around, because he considered it more ethical than pornography involving real people.
He offered these details openly. I wish I could say I received them with the same ease.
Instead, I felt embarrassed and put off. I’d always had a harsh opinion of men who paid for cuddling or used that kind of manga. The word I’d used was “losers.” Now someone I care about had told me he’d done both, and I found myself applying that ugly judgment to him.
He’s intelligent and ambitious. Those are qualities I admire, and they haven’t disappeared. But knowing this part of his life has changed how I feel, even though I’m uncomfortable admitting it.
I told him these things bothered me, and he compromised. As far as I know, he no longer looks at the manga. I also believe that if I asked him to unfollow the cuddler, he would do it immediately. I haven’t asked. Somehow, having to ask feels embarrassing in itself.
His explanations make sense to me. He was lonely and wanted human contact. The manga doesn’t involve real performers, which is the basis of his ethical argument. I can follow his reasoning and still feel less desired, though I struggle to explain how one leads to the other.
There’s an uncomfortable imbalance here, too. I’ve made decisions in my own sexual past that I regret. I tend to understand those through my naivety at the time. I told him about them, and he supported me. Remembering that makes my judgment of him harder to sit with.
He’s suggested that I might be sexually repressed, or projecting my own guilt and shame onto him. I can see why he thinks that. I don’t know whether he’s right, partly right, or whether that explanation leaves out something I’m trying to express about my boundaries.
He has listened and changed something I said was upsetting me. Yet the discomfort hasn’t neatly gone away with the behavior.
I’m still caught on whether I’m reacting to a boundary being crossed or to someone failing a standard I’ve never examined very closely. Am I wrong to feel this way?
