For about a minute, we were holding hands. We had been wrestling around on a camping trip with friends, had a bit to drink, and ended up on the ground looking at the stars. Then her head was resting on my arm, and we stayed beside each other, talking and watching the sky.
She is one of my closest friends. We are both 22, and we have known each other for two and a half years. Most weeks, we spend time together just the two of us. Being close to her was already part of my life. Lying there like that was new.
When we first met, I had a crush on her. She is bisexual and was in a relationship with a woman, so I put it aside. She was with someone for most of the time we have known each other. I got used to having her in my life as a friend, without treating that friendship as something waiting to become a relationship.
Recently, she and her girlfriend broke up, and my feelings came back. I wish the timing did not make me feel so uncomfortable. She has been talking to me about the breakup, and I don't want to be listening to her as a friend while privately hoping the breakup makes room for me. Mostly, I have tried to ignore the crush. That hasn't made it disappear.
Then came that half hour on the ground. The hand-holding was brief; the closeness lasted longer. We chatted, looked at the stars, and lay next to each other with her head on my arm. I already liked her, so of course that felt different to me from our usual time together.
I don't know whether it felt different to her. We had been drinking, and we are close friends. It could have been affection she was comfortable sharing without wanting anything more. It could also have had a romantic feeling for her. There wasn't a conversation that settled it either way.
What she has told me is that she wants to stay single for a while. After her breakup, she wants some independence. That is the clearest thing I have to go on, even though the camping trip is the part I keep wondering about. Her being single and her wanting a relationship are two different things.
I would like to talk about what happened, but asking would also make my own feelings harder to keep out of view. I don't want her to feel she has to explain an affectionate moment or manage my hopes while she's finding her feet after a breakup. And I don't want our regular time together to become awkward because I wanted to know whether she felt what I felt.
After about thirty minutes, some of our friends came over and joined us. We shifted positions when they arrived. We haven't talked about that part of the night since.
