I’ve been ridiculed for struggling to find someone to date. People have told me it must be my fault that nobody wanted to date me, as though the outcome itself explained everything they needed to know. That’s the part I keep coming back to.
I’m not claiming a man’s behavior never affects his chances. Of course it can. But I don’t understand why being unsuccessful in dating so often gets treated as proof that he’s doing something wrong.
From what I’ve seen, there seem to be more men looking for women than women looking for men. That’s my impression from my own experience, not a count I can offer. I’ve also noticed that women I find attractive often have a particular type. If I don’t fit it, there may be very little interest.
I don’t think that makes those women wrong. Everyone has the right to choose whom they date, and nobody owes me attraction or a relationship. I can accept someone’s lack of interest without believing she should have to explain or change it.
What confuses me is the next step people take: deciding that if her choice is valid, my disappointment must somehow be my fault. I don’t see why either person has to be blamed.
The suggestions tend to arrive quickly. Go to the gym. Get out more. Be more social. Sometimes those things might help. But they’re often presented with a certainty I don’t recognize from actual dating, where making an effort doesn’t guarantee that someone you like will like you back.
When I say that, I’m not asking anyone to produce a girlfriend for me. I’m questioning why an experience that already feels discouraging has to come with ridicule.
Why is it so difficult to leave room for the possibility that a man can struggle to find a partner without anyone having done something wrong?
