During the first month of seeing the woman who became my girlfriend, I slept with another woman and kissed someone else. We hadn’t established a serious relationship at that point. When it came up, though, I lied.
I don’t have a good explanation for that choice. I should have told her the truth. Whatever our status was in those early weeks, I gave her a dishonest answer, and that became part of the relationship we went on to build.
About 18 months later, someone I considered a friend told her about the kiss. I admitted it was true. She told me she didn’t want to see me again.
A couple of days after that, she went out with a man she’d known for around five years and ended up kissing him. She told me what had happened, and I was heartbroken.
I keep getting caught on the timing. My actions happened when we were still new to each other, before I understood us to be an established couple. Her kiss happened after we’d spent a year and a half building something serious. We had been in love. Those two points in our lives feel very different to me.
But she had told me she didn’t want to see me again. We had effectively broken up. I can’t leave that part out just because the kiss hurt.
I also know that the information about my early behavior was new to her, even though the events were old to me. I’d had 18 months in which to put that first month behind me. She had just learned that an answer I’d given her wasn’t true.
That doesn’t make my feelings any easier to sort out. I regret lying, and I’m still devastated that she kissed someone else two days after ending things. Admitting the first doesn’t seem to switch off the second.
I thought what we’d built over those 18 months would carry more weight than something that happened at the beginning. Now I’m left wondering how to understand the hurt without using it to minimize my own dishonesty. Am I being unreasonable to feel this heartbroken about what happened after she ended it?
