The man I’ve recently started seeing is kind to me, and I like him a lot. We come to intimacy with very different histories. I’ve had two long-term relationships and have only been intimate with those partners. I’ve never had a hookup. For him, casual encounters have been almost his entire experience.
He’s told me he was with more women than he can remember. Eventually, he stopped because he no longer recognized himself. I’m a little younger than he is, and I’m trying to understand how those experiences might shape what feels familiar to him now.
I tend to want intimacy that’s sweet, gentle, and affectionate. At first, his approach felt quick and a little aggressive to me—closer to what I imagine a hookup might be like. That’s my assumption, though, since I don’t have that experience myself.
I told him what I enjoy. He’s responded by slowing down, spending more time on affection beforehand, and being gentler. He’s taking the time to learn me, which means a great deal. I can see him responding to what I’ve said.
But when I turn the question around, the conversation gets harder. I ask what he likes, because his comfort and pleasure matter to me too. He says he doesn’t know.
I keep wondering what that answer means. Has he had much opportunity to notice the smaller things he enjoys? Is he used to focusing on reaching the end, without giving much attention to everything along the way? I don’t know whether his history explains it, or whether I’m reaching for an explanation because our experiences are so different.
I want to give him the same attention he’s beginning to give me. I just don’t know what to do with an honest “I don’t know.”
Can someone discover pleasure in slower, subtler moments after years of hookups? And how much can a partner help with that discovery before it becomes something he has to figure out himself?
