I cheated on my husband with my neighbor. I feel terrible about it, and I keep going back. Putting those facts in the same sentence makes it harder to hide behind either one.
The guilt is real. So is the fact that it hasn’t stopped me. I wish feeling this bad meant I could say the affair was over, but I can’t honestly say that.
I keep telling myself this has to stop before it ruins my marriage. It sounds definite when I say it. Then I go back, and the thing I said had to end is still happening.
Because it’s my neighbor, the person I need to stop seeing is close by. But proximity doesn’t explain away my choices. I’m the one returning, even while I’m afraid of what those choices could cost.
I don’t have an ending where I can say I finally stopped. What I have is a marriage I’m afraid of ruining, an affair I feel terrible about, and the same sentence I keep repeating to myself: this has to stop.
