There’s someone I see almost every day I’d like to ask out. I haven’t, because I’m still trying to work out how to end something that was never supposed to be serious.
I’m 29, and I’ve been seeing a woman my age for about a month. At the beginning, she was clear: this was casual. She was busy and had things in her life to figure out. I agreed, even though I already knew I wanted an exclusive, committed relationship.
That last part is the awkward bit. She described what she could offer, and I accepted it. Now I’m discovering the difference between being willing to start something and being happy to keep doing it. A month isn’t a long time, but it has been enough for me to realize this arrangement isn’t what I want for much longer.
I want the chance to build a relationship with someone who wants that too. That doesn’t make what she wants less valid, or mean she misled me. She hasn’t failed to deliver something she promised me.
The person I’d like to get to know makes the question less abstract. There’s an actual invitation I’m holding back from making. I haven’t asked them out, and I don’t know whether anything would come of it. But before I find out, part of me wants to tell the woman I’m seeing that I don’t think our arrangement is going to work for me.
Another part of me wonders whether I’m making this bigger than it needs to be. If she explicitly wanted something casual, perhaps she wouldn’t see my moving on as an event that required a conversation. I can imagine her finding a formal breakup unnecessary. I can also imagine her wanting to know that I’m no longer interested in continuing. Both are guesses; “casual” doesn’t tell me which one is hers.
Even the word “breakup” feels a little oversized for a month of seeing each other without the commitment I’m looking for. It sounds as though I’m announcing the end of a relationship we never agreed to have. What I actually want to say is smaller and more specific: I don’t want to carry on with this arrangement. I don’t need to make it sound more serious to explain that it has reached its limit for me.
There’s also a difference between asking her for permission to date someone else and letting her know where I stand. I’m not trying to get her approval for a new relationship that doesn’t even exist. I’m trying to avoid leaving the current situation hanging while I start exploring another one.
I think I’m going to tell her. I still don’t know whether she’ll consider the conversation necessary. And the person I see nearly every day remains someone I’d like to ask out, rather than someone I’ve asked.
