There are plenty of things in our relationship that require permission. Falling in love wasn’t something I knew to ask about. It happened, and now I’m trying to work out how to live with it without losing a dynamic I still want.
I’m keeping some details vague because I don’t want either of us to be identifiable. The arrangement is a consensual power dynamic, something like an owner-and-slave setup. They have control over many parts of my life, and I ask permission for many activities. My consent is enthusiastic. This is something I chose.
They see other people. I don’t. That was our agreement from the beginning, and I knew they were polyamorous. Their dating isn’t something I object to, although I wish I could have that freedom too.
The part I didn’t anticipate was how completely I would fall for them. They’ve become my priority. I’m besotted, in the slightly embarrassing, plain-English sense of the word. Calling it affection or attachment feels like avoiding what I already know: I’m in love.
We’ve talked about it. They care deeply about me, but they don’t return those feelings, and it’s unlikely they ever will. There isn’t a hidden answer I’m waiting to uncover. They’ve been clear, which I appreciate even though hearing it hurts.
They’ve also told me they don’t mind if I say how I feel. I’ve decided to stop saying it anyway. Expressing my love brings me back to knowing it won’t be returned, and I don’t find much comfort in repeating that experience.
I’ve never dealt with unrequited love before. I don’t know whether this is common in a dynamic like ours, or how other people make room for it. I want to pull back emotionally, but I still value the closeness and the arrangement that brought us here.
I’m worried that if these feelings keep growing, I’ll end up damaging something I don’t want to lose. Can I reframe this so loving them feels okay, even without being loved back? Or am I asking myself to stop feeling something while staying exactly where it developed?
