My friend asked whether my boyfriend knew we used to date. Until then, I hadn’t quite registered that there was something I hadn’t told him. He knew about my friend. He knew we talked. He just didn’t know how we had started.
I’m 19, and my boyfriend is 19 too. We’ve been together for almost three months, after knowing each other for another four or five. This is my first official relationship, and I love him. The closer we get, the worse it feels to realize that what I told him about this friendship left out a fairly significant detail.
I met my friend on a dating app just after I turned 18. I’d grown up homeschooled in a small town, and I was excited to start dating. We talked for weeks and had genuinely good conversations. But he lived far away, neither of us had a car, and we never met in person. We still haven’t.
We talked about what that meant. He said he wouldn’t blame me if I developed a relationship with someone nearby, and I felt the same. There was affection, regular conversation, pictures and videos, but neither of us felt entirely as though we were in a real relationship. That ambiguity doesn’t excuse what I did next.
I cheated on him. It wasn’t sex, but it was still wrong, and I could have talked to him instead. The next day I called, explained why I wanted to break up, and ended it. I was ashamed of hurting him and thought that would be the last time we spoke.
A few days later, he called me crying and asked about my day. I talked to him partly out of guilt, but I also asked why he still wanted me in his life. He said he liked having me there. By then, I’d realized that what I’d wanted from him was someone to talk to, rather than a romantic relationship.
We became friends. We’ve each had other romantic interests since, and we catch up every few weeks. I don’t want to get back together with him. I think of him as family, and when I say I love him, that’s what I mean. In my head, he stopped belonging in the category marked ex a long time ago.
Early on with my boyfriend, when we were talking about our friends, I mentioned him. My boyfriend asked whether we had feelings for each other or whether my friend had feelings for me. I said no: we were friends, and he was like family. At the time, my friend liked another girl, and I enjoyed hearing how that was going.
I’d occasionally pass along an update or mention something he’d said. My boyfriend talks about enjoying his friends too, so it seemed ordinary. Then he said he didn’t like me talking about other guys, and I stopped mentioning my friend much. Our occasional catch-up calls continued.
Now my friend has pointed out that the beginning of our friendship matters. I agree. I haven’t been sitting here thinking I’m keeping an ex secret, but my boyfriend has only heard the part where we’re already friends. He hasn’t had the chance to decide what the earlier part means to him.
I want to tell him. I’m afraid that, nearly three months in, he’ll hear an explanation of something I forgot to mention as an admission that I’ve been hiding it. I haven’t had that conversation yet.
