Tonight I’m supposed to meet a man I want, and I’m still with the boyfriend I nearly left a few weeks ago. The plan is to smoke together. That sounds casual until I include what happened before we made it: we admitted there was tension between us, and last night our texts turned sexual.
I haven’t slept with this man. He’s 22, the same age as me. My boyfriend is 23, and we’ve been together for four or five years, with a breakup in the middle. We have a long history, but tonight involves someone who hasn’t been part of it.
A few weeks ago, I caught my boyfriend watching porn on Reddit after he’d spent months lying to me about it. This has been an issue between us for years. By then, it wasn’t just about what he was watching. It was knowing he could deny something to my face for months and leave me trying to work out what to believe.
For about four days, I thought we were actually breaking up. I started looking for places to live. The possibility had become practical: somewhere else to go, a life that wouldn’t depend on whether he meant it this time.
But I began to believe him. I thought he would at least make a real effort to change, and we got back together. That hope is still there. I can imagine him being sincere, which makes wanting someone else feel harder to admit. I’m not describing a relationship I’ve already decided to leave.
There’s another reason his promises are difficult to trust. Two years into dating, he went overseas for school and cheated on me. We broke up then, too, and got back together a year later. So when I wonder whether he might finally change, I’m bringing more than this latest lie into the question.
I’ve been tempted by other men before. I never thought I would actually cheat. This time, though, the attraction is mutual and spoken aloud, the texts have already happened, and there’s a plan to see him. Calling it smoking together doesn’t remove the sexual possibility I’m aware of before I go.
I don’t know whether I’m reaching for an exit I almost took, reacting to being lied to, or simply wanting this particular man. His appeal is real. So is my uncertainty about my boyfriend. One doesn’t settle the other, and I can’t tell myself that being hurt means I’ve already ended the relationship.
A few weeks ago, I was looking for somewhere else to live. Now I’m supposed to see this man tonight, while part of me still believes my boyfriend might change.
