At the mixer after Friday’s speed-dating event, I was talking to one woman when another made her interest in me very obvious. Two other women joked about competing for me. I left with four phone numbers and a slightly revised opinion of my dating prospects.
I’m 51. I’ve spent the past 16 months dating, much of it through apps, and I’m not used to being the man women joke about fighting over. The four numbers belonged to the women I’d found most attractive in the room: one in her late 30s, two in their early 40s, and one my age. That alone would have made it a memorable evening.
What made it harder to dismiss was the pattern. I’d attended three speed-dating events over the past two months, and the other two had gone about as well. One good night might have felt like luck. Three made me look again at the picture I’d built of myself from a screen.
My app experience hasn’t been a disaster. I get dates. I’ve paid for an account and put work into it, so I used to read some men’s complaints about online dating with a little skepticism. Especially men around my age. My own results seemed ordinary enough that I assumed the complaints might be leaving something out.
I don’t think I’m hiding a wildly different person behind my profile. My photos are recent. I’m honest about my life. I’m 5-foot-10, exercise regularly, and would put myself somewhere between average and a little above average in looks. I’m fit rather than muscular. My work as a lawyer involves helping vulnerable people; it’s interesting and rewarding, but it hasn’t made me wealthy in the Bay Area.
There are things to talk about, too: mountain biking, paddleboarding, cooking, reading, learning another language. Those interests are in my profile. On paper, I’ve given a reasonably accurate account of the person who turns up.
Still, the matches often sit toward the less compelling end of the women I find attractive. They’re also generally my age or older. I like dating women my age, so that isn’t a complaint about them. It’s the narrowness of the response that puzzles me. Women between 45 and 50 rarely seem interested online, while the age range has been noticeably broader at these events.
The difference isn’t only who’s interested. It’s how easily I can tell. Women I’ve been seeing through speed dating have been much more open about their attraction. There’s something lovely about being spared the work of wondering whether a promising exchange is promising only to you.
Maybe my profile isn’t as good as I think it is. An accurate list of facts isn’t necessarily an appealing introduction. I’ve always felt I come across better in person, and these evenings give me more reason to think so. But I can’t separate what my profile might be missing from what the apps themselves might be doing badly.
I’m not claiming four phone numbers promise four relationships. What I have is three evenings that went much better than I expected, and a Friday night when the interest was clear enough that nobody needed to check a match notification. I’m still trying to square that man with the one on my phone.
