When my wife first told me that eating and gaining weight turned her on, we were still in college. She had never told anyone before. I knew she was trusting me with something private, and I wanted to be honest with her too: I didn't share that desire, and I wasn't comfortable exploring it with her.
We're both 25 now. We've been together since high school and married for a year and a half. That conversation wasn't the end of us, but it wasn't the end of the subject either. It keeps coming back, and each time we seem to leave it in the same painful place.
Her body has changed during our years together. I've loved her and found her attractive through those changes. I never expected the person I started dating in high school to look exactly the same forever. Being with her has never depended on keeping her body frozen at the age when we met.
But when she told me about her kink, I also admitted that I tend to find thinner bodies more attractive. I meant it as an honest description of a preference, alongside the fact that I was attracted to her. What worries me now is that she hears something much bigger in it: that I'm wishing she looked different. I don't know how to make those two things stop sounding like a contradiction to her.
I wasn't disgusted by what she told me. I didn't want to shame her, and I said I didn't think I would enjoy seeing her intentionally gain weight. That distinction matters to me, even though it hasn't made the conversation easier. Accepting that something turns her on hasn't made it turn me on.
The first time we talked about it, the tension was serious enough that I wasn't sure we would get past it. We did carry on together. Since then, she has raised it several times, and my answer hasn't changed. Getting through the initial disagreement gave us a way to stay together, but it didn't give us an answer to the desire itself.
She has told me she hates enjoying this and wishes she didn't. She has also struggled with her self-esteem, and I worry that shame about her kink and her body has become tangled up with that. I don't want my lack of enthusiasm to feel like another reason she should be ashamed of herself.
At the same time, I feel certain that pursuing it would change my attraction. Pretending otherwise would mean giving her reassurance I don't believe. Saying so leaves me afraid that I'm holding her back, or making her feel that what happens to her own body is mine to decide. That's the last role I want in our marriage.
We have good sex. We both enjoy it. I can't dismiss her desire just because the sex we already have works for us. It's still something she wants and something I don't want to take part in.
We're a year and a half into being married, and the subject has come up again and again. I still don't know how to answer her without making it sound as though I'm either granting permission or refusing it.
