When we ran out of condoms, I bought a box of twelve and joked to my wife that it would probably last us six months. She got defensive and told me we would have sex more often if I initiated more. It was a clumsy joke, and I knew it. But her answer hurt because, from my side of our marriage, trying to start something is exactly what I keep doing.
I’m 24, she’s 23, and we’ve been together about five years, married for almost two. Early on, we had sex several times a week. Over the past year or so, that has become two or three times a month at best, sometimes once. Often those encounters fall within the same week. We feel close, I feel wanted, and then several weeks pass without sex.
We both describe ourselves as having high sex drives. I believe her when she says it. When we do have sex, she seems enthusiastic, and we both enjoy it. I don’t get the impression she’s getting it over with for my sake. That makes the long gaps harder to understand: the sex itself doesn’t feel like something either of us wants to avoid.
She flirts with me, makes sexual jokes, hints at sex, and touches me playfully. I love getting that attention from her. But when I respond with more than a few seconds of touching, she often asks me to stop or leave her alone. If I say directly that I want sex, she’s usually tired, stressed, feeling unwell, or simply not in the mood.
I know a flirtatious moment isn’t a promise of sex. I don’t expect every touch to lead anywhere, and I don’t want her having sex she doesn’t want. What gets to me is how often my attempts end there. By my estimate, I make most of the approaches, yet almost all the sex we actually have starts with her.
Lately, even an affectionate moment can sting. The other day, I playfully grabbed her butt, and she joked that it was all I liked about her before shooing me away. I knew she was kidding. I wasn’t necessarily trying to start sex, either. Still, after so many attempts that went nowhere, I took the brush-off harder than I otherwise might have.
That feeling sits awkwardly beside what I know about us. She’s generally affectionate, and I don’t doubt that she loves me or finds me attractive. She has never said she loves me very often, so that isn’t a new change I can point to. I can feel secure in her love and still miss feeling sexually wanted when I reach for her.
We’ve talked about this several times over the past year. Sometimes she explains that she’s tired or stressed, and I end up feeling guilty for raising it. Sometimes she says things will change, but the pattern returns. Other times, she says she feels like she’s always the one who has to initiate. We seem to be remembering the same sex life differently.
I have started approaching her less often. The desire hasn’t gone away; I’m tired of feeling inadequate after another attempt. I don’t want resentment to grow, but I also don’t know how to explain that pulling back came after the rejection. Now I’m making fewer attempts, and she has told me she feels left to make the first move. I don’t know how to talk about that without either of us leaving the conversation feeling worse.
