I’m new to kink, and so far the easiest part to explain is the rope. I like the sensation of my partner tying it around me. I like how it looks. I would also like to keep using my arms and hands, please. That’s pretty much the whole appeal.
My partner seems a little disappointed by how literal that explanation is. He’s a man who identifies as a switch and is fairly open to exploring. Our usual routine is pretty vanilla, which I enjoy. I’m curious about adding something new, but I keep struggling to recognize myself in the descriptions.
I’m tactile. Something can feel good or look beautiful without opening a hidden psychological door. Yet as I research, I keep encountering explanations about taking off your armor: exposing a fear, surrendering control, or discovering that someone can love you even when your worst insecurity feels true.
That’s where I lose the thread. My insecurity is being seen as ugly, strange, or undesirable. When I was younger, I was bullied for being weird. I was the girl whose crush could apparently embarrass the boy she liked. I don’t want to bring that feeling into intimacy and see whether I can endure it.
I want the opposite experience. I want to feel so admired that being undesirable doesn’t even enter the room. Not someone tolerating a flaw or finding me appealing despite something. More like being a muse: respected, cherished, and thoroughly cared for.
Praise sounds close, but the word doesn’t quite cover it. And I’m not sure I want to be a dominant partner, either. Having someone order me around or tell me to beg is deeply unappealing. Feeling belittled would end the mood before we got anywhere.
The dynamic I imagine gives me room to choose. He admires me; I have the power to turn him away, although I don’t want to. There’s a sense that I’m out of his league and he’s delighted I’m there.
I can describe the feeling much more clearly than I can name it. Is there a word for wanting that kind of reverence? Does it even need to count as a kink?
