I am 56, single, and apparently giving the wrong impression by existing without a boyfriend. Male friends and strangers have been approaching me about dating. I am flattered. I am also not interested, which seems to be the part of the conversation that requires supporting documents.
My last relationship lasted ten years and ended two years ago. Ten years ago, I would have welcomed this attention. Now I do not want to date, and I do not even want to exchange numbers. I like being on my own and not having to answer to anyone.
That makes this a surprisingly awkward kind of rejection. I am not trying to tell a particular man that he has failed an audition. I am trying to explain that I am not holding auditions. Someone can be perfectly appealing and still be offering something I do not want. Being pleased that he asked does not get me any closer to wanting to say yes.
I thought saying I had no interest in dating would cover it. It has not. Instead, it invites questions about what I mean, or assurances that I am too young to be finished with dating. I appreciate the vote of confidence in my remaining romantic years. It does leave me in the odd position of defending a preference as though I have misread my own age.
Other people take it personally. They think I am saying I do not want to date anyone because I do not want to date them. Then a polite refusal starts to sound, to the person receiving it, like a polite lie. I can understand why that might sting. But I cannot make my answer more truthful by turning it into an explanation of why one particular man would otherwise have a chance.
The familiar alternatives have their own problems. Saying I am off the market or unavailable sounds as though there is already someone else. There is not. I would rather not imply a boyfriend simply because a boyfriend might make the answer easier to accept. It would be a small administrative miracle to acquire an imaginary partner solely to protect the peace of being single.
I do not want to waste anyone’s time, including the time spent exchanging numbers when I already know I do not want the next conversation. But I would like to be kind. There is a difference between declining an invitation and making someone regret extending it, and I am looking for wording that lets me do the former without accidentally doing the latter.
Nobody I know is in quite the same position, so I have been asking people my age who are dating what they would least like to hear. Humorous suggestions are welcome too; I can enjoy a ridiculous answer without actually delivering it to an unsuspecting man. I hope the people looking for a partner find someone wonderful. Meanwhile, I am still looking for a polite sentence that does not leave me explaining who my nonexistent boyfriend is.
