Four months into dating, my girlfriend told me something was missing: banter, stimulating conversation, and apparently some phone calls. That last part caught me. Early on, she'd told me she didn't like talking on the phone much. I had taken that as useful information, rather than the opening round of a negotiation.
I'm 48; she's 43. Before this, I was married for 20 years. I've spent the past couple of years dating, learning from relationships that didn't work, and doing some work on myself. Getting back out there wasn't effortless. Finding someone I liked, with so much compatibility, had felt good.
Until this conversation, I thought things were going well. Our time together is fun. There are plenty of things she likes about us, and she said so. But she also told me my feelings are stronger than hers, and she doesn't know whether hers will catch up. That's a difficult sentence to hear from someone you're happily making room for.
I don't think I've been rushing her. I've tried to pace myself, without love bombing or pushing the relationship ahead of where it is. Still, being careful about speed doesn't guarantee we're headed toward the same place. I was listening, but I was also trying to catch up with a problem I hadn't realized we were having.
The part about conversation isn't baseless. I can see what she means. She has a very dry sense of humor, and finding a rhythm for joking with her isn't always easy. Early on, she also said she could seem cold and could be rigid. I treated those disclosures as a guide to getting to know her, not a list of things I needed to correct.
So when she mentioned that I never call, she was right. I hadn't been calling. I'd been trying to match her communication style, and we'd been texting instead. Somewhere between respecting a preference and settling into a routine, I may have made myself look less interested in talking. I thought I was being considerate. The review was mixed.
Texting also leaves me wondering how much conversational chemistry we're actually giving ourselves a chance to have. Our in-person time feels good to me. Over text, trying to produce spontaneous banter on demand sounds suspiciously like homework. And I notice a small frustration of my own: she wants more of qualities that I don't always feel her bringing to our exchanges either.
I believe she's being genuine, though. She started a difficult conversation rather than pretending everything was fine, and we're both willing to work on what's missing. I want to take that willingness seriously without treating it as a promise that her feelings will grow. Those are different things, however much I'd prefer them to arrive together.
What gives me pause is how easily trying could turn into watching ourselves try. I want a deeper conversation, not an assessment afterward of whether it was deep enough. I want to be funny with her without mentally checking whether the banter has improved. For now, we're both willing to keep going. I'm left wondering how to make more room for something natural without making every exchange feel like an audition.
