I’m thinking about getting a sex toy, and somehow the part making me nervous isn’t the toy. It’s the possibility of my girlfriend looking at me differently afterward.
I don’t even know whether I’d like it. That’s the whole reason I’m curious: I’d have to try it to find out. Right now, though, telling her feels like announcing something about myself before I know whether there’s anything to announce.
Maybe she’d be completely fine with it. Maybe the conversation would last thirty seconds, and I’d wonder why I’d made it such a production in my head. But I keep getting stuck on the other possibility—that she’d think it was weird, or that I’d catch an expression on her face I couldn’t forget.
So I’ve been considering buying one and trying it privately. No other person involved. No certainty that I’d ever use it again. Just a little room to figure out whether this is something I actually enjoy.
Even describing it that way, I can hear how convenient the word “privately” sounds when I’m also admitting I don’t want her to know.
I haven’t bought anything yet. I’m still at the stage where curiosity and embarrassment are taking turns making the case. If I did try it without telling her, would you consider that cheating?
