I genuinely like this man. Talking to him feels easy in a way I don’t often find. He’s intellectually engaging, he understands my humor, and our values line up. I rarely feel the need to explain what I meant or edit a thought before I say it.
I also feel safe around him. That matters to me, perhaps more than anything else on the list. I can be myself without constantly checking how I’m coming across. When I describe our connection, I understand why it sounds like the beginning of a relationship.
Except I don’t want to date him. I’m not physically attracted to him, and when I think about being his romantic partner, I don’t feel a pull toward that life.
There’s one detail that makes it harder to explain. Sometimes his assertiveness turns me on. I’m independent and used to being in control, and I enjoy that side of his personality. But the feeling doesn’t necessarily become a desire to be physically intimate with him. It adds a complication without giving me an answer.
What scares me is how rare the rest of this feels. We don’t merely get along. We think alike about so much, make each other laugh, and can talk without the usual effort of translating ourselves. I’m afraid of letting that closeness go and spending years missing it.
I’m also aware that keeping someone close because I’m frightened of losing the connection could become painful, especially if he wants a relationship I can’t offer. I don’t know that he does. I know I can’t resolve that possibility by listing all his good qualities until attraction appears.
I’d like to hear from women who’ve had more time to encounter this kind of situation. Have you met someone who felt like your emotional and intellectual counterpart, while the physical attraction simply wasn’t there? Did you hold on because you were afraid you wouldn’t find that understanding again?
I know there are other people out there. What I want to know is whether you eventually met someone else who made you feel this understood—and whom you also wanted to kiss.
