My girlfriend asked for a year apart, with check-ins along the way. I asked if we could make it shorter. She held to a year. We’re both 29, and we’d been officially together for three months. We’d known each other for eleven, first as friends, then for two months in that stage where you’re talking and both know it’s probably going somewhere.
About halfway through the relationship, she told me she felt like she was losing herself. To her, we’d moved too fast. Even making plans with friends had started to involve thinking about how I’d feel. I remembered a conversation we’d had before we got together, when we talked about being able to put ourselves first sometimes. I brought it up again. I wanted her to feel free to make those plans and know I’d be there if she needed me.
When she asked for the break, she told me she loved me. She said the way I showed her love was exactly what she wanted. She also told me she was unhappy with herself. Her career felt stalled, she’d let her goals sit untouched, and she had more to work through than she’d realized. She knew I wanted her to make time for those things. She still seemed to feel guilty putting herself first.
The next day I dropped her things off at her house. I’d had a few drinks, and I pleaded with her to try working on herself while we stayed together. I asked if she loved me. Then I asked if I was worth it. She told me again that this was about her. I said I couldn’t do a break. To me, checking in for a year sounded like staying close enough to hope while knowing she’d already decided to step away.
Since then I’ve gone over what I might have done differently, even though she told me I hadn’t done anything wrong. I wonder how I’d see this coming in another relationship, or whether I’d hear the same things and still think we could work them out. I told her at her house that I couldn’t do a year. I meant it. So why do I still hear “a year” and wonder what happens when it’s over?
