Or: things we should’ve walked away from (but stayed long enough to witness)
There’s a special kind of romantic regret that doesn’t come from betrayal or heartbreak—but from watching someone slurp a hot chocolate with a teaspoon for 15 straight minutes.
I once dated a man who refused to kiss me goodnight because I was holding a croissant. “I don’t believe in breakfast,” he said, with a tone that implied he also didn’t believe in warmth, carbs, or good choices. I stood there, almond flakes on my chest, reconsidering my entire selection criteria. He drove a Subaru and used the word “vibe” as a noun, verb, and sometimes spiritual state.
This got me thinking. Love ends not with a bang, but with a quietly muttered “ew.”
So I asked around, and sure enough: the internet has answers. Here’s a curated collection of the most ridiculous—and yet undeniably fair—dealbreakers that Reddit, and probably your inner voice, have to offer.
- If she says her name is Hayley, and your surname is Bayley. It’s not love—it’s a limerick.
- If they follow astrology religiously, and you’re one bad Mercury Retrograde away from being ghosted “for karmic reasons.”
- If they like horses too much. When their bedroom art features galloping stallions… and none of them are metaphors.
- If they wear Crocs. On a date. Unironically.
- If they chew with their mouth open, then try to kiss you like nothing happened.
- If they think reading is boring and museums are “just standing and reading but worse.”
- If they describe themselves as “random.” They’re about to show you their frog tattoo and talk about Burning Man.
- If they slurp coffee like they’re summoning a demon from the mug.
- If they say “GUH-rose” instead of “gross.”
- If their cat has a birthday party and a guest list… and you weren’t on it.
- If they have palindromic names. “Anna” gives one person the creeps. I won’t ask why. I’ll just note it down.
- If they hate sushi. It’s not just fish—it’s your entire personality being rejected.
- If they can’t decide where to eat, what to watch, or if you’re even on a date.
- If they brag about having a GPA of 2.75. And pronounce GPA like it’s a luxury brand.
Bonus: The Croissant Curse
Sometimes I think about that breakfast-averse man and wonder where he is. I imagine him sitting somewhere, quietly judging brunch menus, telling women he “doesn’t consume morning food energy.” I hope he finds someone who also skips joy before 11am.
Meanwhile, I’ve made peace with my flaky side. And if I ever go on a date and he shows up in Crocs? I won’t even order coffee. I’ll just send a quiet “thank you” to the universe and excuse myself—politely, and with dignity—before dessert.
Because as we all know now: if someone slurps their hot chocolate with a spoon… they will absolutely ruin your weekend trip to Vienna.
