I can get a second date. What I usually can’t get is much beyond it. At 29, I’m starting to wonder whether I know how to be someone a woman enjoys meeting without knowing how to show her that I’m attracted to her.
On paper, I don’t think I’m doing badly. I’m fit, I have a secure job, and I have a large social circle. I consider myself reasonably good-looking, too. None of that means a woman owes me interest. It does explain why I’m puzzled: I’ve had plenty of dates with women I find attractive, yet the same early stopping point keeps coming around.
My impression is that there isn’t enough romantic or sexual tension between us. That’s my reading, rather than an explanation anyone has confirmed. I can see the pattern in how far things go; I can’t see inside someone else’s head to know why. Still, when it happens repeatedly, it’s hard not to wonder what I’m missing.
The things I feel fairly confident about are also the easiest things to list. A job, a social life, looking after myself: those are facts I can put into words. The part I’m unsure of happens between two people. Being someone who seems appealing in a dating profile isn’t quite the same as sharing a moment in which both of us can feel the attraction.
I’ve been wondering whether the missing piece starts before we even meet. Maybe flirting a little more over text would give us something to pick up in person. Then the date wouldn’t have to carry the whole task of establishing that this is romantic interest, rather than just two people getting along. Or, if the date went well, that earlier flirtation might make it easier to move things forward afterward.
But that’s exactly where I get stuck. I don’t know how to bring sexual interest into a conversation without making it unwelcome. In my head, the space between being flirtatious and sounding creepy feels very small. I want a woman to understand that I desire her; I don’t want her to feel that I’ve decided the conversation is sexual regardless of how she feels.
That hesitation is part of what makes the question awkward to ask. Saying I want more sexual tension can sound as though I’m looking for a line that produces a guaranteed response. What I’m actually unsure about is how to make my interest clear while leaving room for hers. I can be attracted to someone without knowing whether she can tell, or whether it’s shared.
I’m curious about both sides of that experience. I’d like to hear from men who have become more comfortable flirting, but also from women who remember a man making that shift feel welcome. Their experience of it matters to the question. Something that felt daring to him might have felt natural to her—or might not have landed at all.
I’ve even wondered whether a book or a video could help me understand what I’m failing to grasp. I have no shortage of ways to describe myself. The harder thing to put into words is how to let a woman know I want her, without getting so anxious about saying it badly that I barely say it at all.
