The day after our first date, she was already talking about how we might live between two cities. A few weeks later, asking whether she wanted to stay in touch would apparently count as putting her under pressure. I hadn’t expected that to be the difficult question.
We matched on Hinge about two months ago. I’m 47; she’s 36. After some messages and a phone call, she suggested drinks. We had a good evening at a bar, then ended up at a nearby karaoke place. I’d stepped outside to take a call, noticed how much fun people were having there, and it became part of our night. Nothing about that first date felt difficult.
The next day, she said she’d enjoyed herself and wanted to do it again. She also told me she was moving to another city in two months. Since we both traveled between the two cities for work, she didn’t see the move as a problem. She asked whether I wanted something long-term, because she did. Then came the suggestion that we could eventually split our time between the cities, living together.
Looking back, that was a lot of future to bring into a conversation after one date. At the time, though, it sounded like we wanted the same thing. I wasn’t having to persuade someone to think beyond the next drink. She was bringing it up herself.
There were more dates, and when we met, we got along incredibly well. Making those dates happen was less straightforward. She sometimes canceled on the morning we were supposed to meet, citing work or health reasons. But she would suggest another day, which made it easier for me to accept the cancellations as ordinary complications rather than a lack of interest.
She gave me another phone number, one she said very few people had. We had long calls and opened up to each other. That felt like closeness. Between those conversations and what she’d said about a relationship, I thought we were building toward something, even if we hadn’t arrived there yet.
Then she canceled a few hours before a concert I’d bought tickets for. I called the following day because I wanted some clarity. I was seeing this as the start of a long-term romantic relationship. She said she wasn’t there yet and needed more time. I told her I needed to step back and think about what that meant for me.
Over the next couple of days, while we weren’t in contact, she sent long messages. She said I was special and she didn’t want things to end this way. She also acknowledged that her behavior could have led me on, and apologized. By then, I wasn’t counting on a relationship. I agreed we could stay in touch as friends.
We went to a movie afterward, and it was a good time. It wasn’t awkward. I thought that at least meant the friendship was possible. Then, for two weeks, she went cold. I missed her company and sent a message asking how she was. It sat unread for a day. I followed up to ask whether she actually wanted to keep in touch at all.
Her response was that I was constantly pressuring her for answers. I suspect she’s moved by now, although I don’t know. It leaves me feeling as if I was someone she needed while she was here, and could discard once she didn’t. That’s how it feels from my side; I can’t claim to know hers. I had agreed to friendship. Now I wasn’t sure even a message was welcome.
