I’ve been a fan of porn since 2008. At this point, saying I watch it occasionally would be a pretty creative use of the word. It has been part of my life for years, and my interests cover plenty of genres.
I enjoy it. That is the uncomplicated part of this confession, even if everything I say afterward makes it sound less uncomplicated. Sometimes, before sex, I watch a video to help myself get in the mood. Then I enjoy the experience with my partner. For me, the video can be part of getting ready.
And then there’s X. I open my saved videos, and the collection makes my interests very clear. There is no great mystery about what I’ve been using that feature for. Apparently, I am quite consistent about saving things I like.
The awkward part is that I also say I want to stop. Both statements are true: I like watching, and I have this recurring thought that I should quit. I don’t have a neat explanation that makes one cancel out the other. Enjoying a habit doesn’t prevent me from wondering what it would feel like to leave it alone.
Still, nearly twenty years is a long time to keep doing something and then casually announce that I’m about to be finished. This has familiarity on its side. I know what I like, I know where to find it, and my saved videos are hardly helping me forget.
So I’ve settled on 2028. That would make it a full twenty years since 2008, which gives my proposed exit an impressive sense of occasion. Whether that is a real deadline or a joke I find especially convenient remains an open question. For now, I’m saying 2028.
