My boyfriend calls me beautiful, pretty, cute. He makes an effort, treats me well, and makes it clear that he’s attracted to me. We’ve been together for four months, and I can see how much he cares. The difficult part is letting all of that reach the places where I’ve spent years expecting rejection.
I’m 24, and this is my first relationship. Before him, I’d only kissed one other guy. I’ve been fat my whole life, and feeling uncomfortable in my body is so familiar that I don’t always know how to explain it. He’s 25, has dated before, and has always seemed comfortable being someone other people find attractive.
The first time we spent the night together, he told me I was hot. He said my breasts were perfect. Then, later, he said they should stay lifted the way they had been. Mine naturally sag, and that little comment lodged itself somewhere all the compliments haven’t been able to reach.
I don’t know exactly what he meant. I do know what I heard: there was a version of my body he preferred, and it wasn’t how my body ordinarily looks. Now I worry that if he sees me completely undressed, something else will disappoint him.
I want to have sex with him. That’s part of what makes this so frustrating. The desire is there, but whenever his hand gets close to my pants, I panic. I stop him. Then we’re back to talking about why I won’t let him touch me there.
I’ve told him I’m insecure, but that explanation doesn’t seem to tell him much. He keeps bringing it up, and I wish I could make him understand that being asked again doesn’t make me feel more ready. It makes me more aware that I’m holding something up.
He says I can share my insecurities with him. I want to tell him about that remark, how often I remember it, and how reassurance might help. I just don’t know how to begin a conversation in which I have to explain why a sentence he may barely remember is still in the room with us.
