When he transferred to our team a few years ago, I remember thinking that if I were single, he’d be my type. I was married, so that thought went nowhere. My marriage later ended for entirely separate reasons. He remained a friendly, attractive coworker with whom I had normal conversations.
Everyone seemed to like him. The women on the team occasionally wondered why he was single, and every so often someone came across his Hinge profile, where he said he was looking for a relationship. None of this made talking to him difficult. Until yesterday, I had an excellent record of managing it.
Over the past few months, I’d noticed him more. Then, during an otherwise ordinary conversation, I suddenly started floundering. He hadn’t done anything unusual. I was simply having trouble operating the conversational equipment.
We use bookable desks, and we ended up sitting next to each other afterward. He kept chatting with me, which suggests the awkwardness hadn’t reached evacuation level. Unfortunately, I couldn’t concentrate. Every time he spoke on the phone, my attention went straight to him. Usually, I can tune out the people around me without effort.
I had a meeting at the end of the day and avoided walking to the parking lot with him. One more conversation felt ambitious. I spent the drive home annoyed with myself for suddenly being strange around someone I’d known for years.
Then my alarm interrupted an unusually vivid intimate dream about him. An excellent development for the following workday, when we were seated next to each other again.
This time, my distraction included imagining ways I might make a move. I haven’t felt this flustered or attracted to someone in years. Even having been married and lived with a man, I can’t remember feeling quite like this.
That evening, I fell asleep watching TV and had another vivid dream, strong enough to wake me with an unmistakable physical response. I hadn’t even realized that could happen. Apparently, sleep was no longer offering a break from the situation.
I don’t intend to act on it or make things uncomfortable at work. I’m also not especially eager to give my friends this detailed an update. But I checked the desk bookings, and on Thursday he’s sitting directly behind me. I now know that, which has done absolutely nothing for my concentration.
