At 42, after separating from my long-term partner this summer, I’m enjoying something I wasn’t sure how to picture before: a life that belongs to me. There’s more freedom, more room to work out what I like, and the pleasure of discovering who I am outside a relationship.
I’m not looking to replace the one that ended. Flirting is nice. Meeting people is nice. Feeling attractive again is very nice. None of that has made me think I need another partner right now.
Then there’s the man I’ve been seeing casually.
We’re attracted to each other, but our backgrounds and lifestyles are quite different. When I think about what I’d want in a partner, I don’t arrive at him. I can enjoy seeing him without imagining a shared future. That part seems clear enough.
Apparently, nobody has explained this to the part of me waiting for his messages.
I think about him more than I mean to. I wonder whether he’s interested enough. When he doesn’t make much effort to see me, I feel disappointed, even though I’m not trying to build a relationship with him. His level of enthusiasm has somehow become something I keep checking.
That’s the part I find embarrassing to admit. I’m otherwise happy with my independence, yet a casual connection can still leave me feeling overlooked. Knowing we probably wouldn’t work as a couple doesn’t seem to take the sting out of his lack of effort.
Perhaps, after years with one person, I want more confirmation that I’m attractive and wanted than I realized. I can see how that might happen. Understanding the possibility hasn’t stopped me from wondering when he’ll get in touch.
I’d like to hear from women who recognize this stage after a separation or divorce. Did someone’s attention become unexpectedly important, even when you didn’t want much of a future with them? Did that settle as being on your own became more familiar?
I’m not really looking for someone to tell me he’ll come around. I’m more interested in how long it took to stop caring quite so much whether he did.
