My wife used to be shy about her sex toys. Lately, she leaves the bright, colorful ones right on the nightstand. That small change says more about how comfortable she seems than a long conversation about confidence ever could. They aren't something she feels she has to hide anymore. And I don't want them hidden on my account.
She enjoys having sex with me. She also finds her toys simple and reliable in a way that sex with another person doesn't always manage. I don't hear that as an insult, although saying it out loud seems to invite the idea that I ought to. Apparently, I'm supposed to feel threatened by something I'm happy to have within reach.
If we're having sex and she isn't getting there, sometimes I pick up a toy and use it with her. On one occasion, her reaction surprised me. Afterward, she told me no man had ever done that for her before. The part that stayed with me wasn't a comparison between me and an object. It was that involving myself in something she liked had been unusual enough for her to mention.
I had thought of it as something we were doing together. Her pleasure didn't become less connected to me because I wasn't providing every part of it myself. I was still there, paying attention, sharing the experience. There wasn't a moment when I felt I'd been replaced.
Later, she talked about how difficult reaching orgasm could be for her. She said some of her friends pretended more often than their partners realized. I can't speak for their relationships, and her experience isn't a rule for every woman. But hearing her describe it made the difference between enjoying sex and actually finishing much harder for me to overlook. Those aren't interchangeable things just because a partner hopes they are.
What's noticeable lately is her excitement. Someone who used to seem hesitant about all of this now appears eager to explore. I encourage that. I've been thinking about buying her more toys for her birthday or our anniversary, things we could try together. That's still an idea for a gift, rather than a surprise I've already arranged. It interests me because she interests me.
When I bring the subject up with my male friends, though, they laugh and make fun of me. I don't understand the reaction. The conversation seems to arrive at a joke before there's room for the part I actually mean: my wife is enjoying herself, and I'm involved. I can't tell whether they find the toys embarrassing, my willingness to use them embarrassing, or simply the fact that I'm talking about it.
I don't have an answer from them beyond the teasing. At home, my wife has been getting more open about what she likes. With my friends, I still can't seem to get past the laugh.
