I’m 28, and I’ve been married for five years. I can count on my fingers how many times my husband and I have had sex during our marriage. The last time was two years ago. I wish those numbers sounded less stark when I put them together.
My husband is 30. He’s affectionate, caring, and willing to do just about anything I ask. We have a relationship I love being in, which makes this difficult to explain. There isn’t a general lack of tenderness I can point to. There’s this one absence, and it takes up more room than I know what to do with.
I used to initiate. I tried enough times to become familiar with the answers: he wasn’t in the mood, or it wasn’t the right time. I still don’t know what the right time would look like. Eventually, trying began to feel less like reaching for my husband and more like preparing myself for another disappointment.
He would tell me he felt bad about turning me down. I believed him. But then I felt worse for having asked, as though my wanting him had created a problem for both of us. There’s only so many times I can go through that before I stop making the first move.
He watches porn and takes care of himself fairly often. That doesn’t bother me on its own. I’m comfortable with him having that part of his life. What hurts is knowing the interest is there while wondering why sharing it with me seems so difficult.
I’ve tried talking to him about it, too. I haven’t found a way through the conversation that changes anything. I keep coming back to the same uncomfortable combination: I love him, I know he loves me, and something important is missing.
I don’t want to keep counting the years this way. But I’ve tried reaching for him, and I’ve tried finding the words. Right now, I don’t know what else to try.
