Tonight I found out that the relationship I thought was the most real thing I’d had since my divorce wasn’t what I believed it was.
While he was supposedly figuring things out with me, he was seeing another woman. They’re together now, and he’s in love with her. I’m only now learning that she was already part of the picture.
I believed he needed to work on himself. That wasn’t an explanation I invented out of nowhere to make myself feel better. He told me, “I don’t want you or anyone right now.” I took the “anyone” seriously.
It hurt, but I thought I understood what he was saying. Based on what we’d shared, I believed there was love between us and that he wasn’t in a place to pursue a relationship. I didn’t know I was trying to understand our situation with a major part of it missing.
Now that sentence sounds different. He was seeing someone while telling me he didn’t want anyone. I’m left going back over something I thought was honest and wondering how much of it I actually understood.
It’s painful that he’s with her. It’s also painful that I believed his explanation. I was taking his need to work on himself seriously while something else was happening.
And this comes on top of being ghosted twice. I’m already worn down by people disappearing, and tonight I get to add this discovery to the pile.
I don’t have a neat way to talk about it yet. I feel hurt, angry, and deeply discouraged. After my divorce, I thought this connection had been real. Finding out otherwise tonight has left me asking the least elegant question I have: what is wrong with people?
