When the woman I’d gone out with started showing how much she liked me, I wanted to pull back. That surprised me. I enjoyed talking to her, our date had gone well, and she was still the funny, kind person I’d been happy to spend time with. Instead, it made me realize I wasn’t feeling what she seemed to be feeling.
We work together. During the shift when we first met, she asked me to dinner and a movie, and I happily said yes. I wasn’t reluctantly agreeing to something I wanted to avoid. I liked being around her and wanted to go.
The date was easy. We both enjoyed ourselves. There was no kissing or anything physical, just a relaxed evening together. Nothing went wrong that I could point to afterward. If I judged the evening by whether I’d had a good time, it was a success.
Then we began calling and texting more often. She showed affection for the way I looked and acted, and it became clear to me that she really liked me. That was when my own hesitation stopped being something I could ignore. I could enjoy every conversation and still feel uncomfortable with where those conversations might be leading.
Eventually, I understood the part I’d been struggling to admit: I’m not physically attracted to her. I like her personality. I like her company. But I don’t look at her and feel the desire I want to feel for someone I’m dating. It’s an uncomfortable thing to say about a person who has been nothing but good to me, even privately.
I don’t like how quickly that thought can sound like a verdict on her looks. It’s about what I feel, but putting it into words makes it sound as though I’m assessing her and finding something missing. She hasn’t done anything wrong. There isn’t a bad date or an unkind comment I can use to explain the distance I’m starting to want.
I’d prefer to be a close friend. That isn’t an excuse to get away from her; I really do want her in my life. But friendship is what I want, and I don’t know whether it’s what she would want after going on a date and becoming closer. I can’t assume that keeping the part I enjoy would be simple for her.
We also have to see each other at work. I’m worried about hurting someone who treats me well, then having that hurt follow us into a place neither of us can simply avoid. At the same time, I don’t want things to grow more serious while she may be hoping I’ll become her boyfriend.
I haven’t had that conversation yet. I want to say that I’d like us to be friends, knowing that she might hear the end of something she wanted to continue.
