My girlfriend is sweet, smart, independent, and deeply supportive. She apologizes when she’s wrong. She makes changes and puts effort into us. I adore her, and I put effort into the relationship too. That’s what makes the thoughts I’m having so uncomfortable to admit.
I’m 21. After my previous breakup, I joined Hinge for the first time. I don’t meet many women through software engineering or through my usual circle of friends, mostly guys I’ve known since high school. The app opened up a part of dating I hadn’t experienced much.
I don’t think I’m exceptionally good-looking, but I’m reasonably attractive and comfortable talking to people. I went on dates with a few women, and some of those connections became physical. It was exciting to discover that people I found attractive could want me back.
During that stretch, I met my girlfriend. She was overseas, and I wasn’t sure I was ready to commit. She was okay with that, so we kept talking. When she returned and we met, I decided I wanted to date her.
Now I keep noticing her body. She has lost a lot of weight, but she isn’t thin; she has folds around her stomach and back. I find her adorable and I am attracted to her, yet I catch myself focusing on those details. The more I think about them, the more often I notice them.
Our physical relationship is good. We share preferences, she’s enthusiastic, and I feel wanted. She has also stopped smoking and drinking for me. She’s trying to lose weight, though I’ve never asked her to. There is so much care in what we have, and I’m still wondering whether I committed before I was ready.
Some of the comparisons are embarrassing even inside my own head. I wonder whether friends who struggled more with dating will end up with more conventionally attractive partners who love them just as much. A couple of weeks ago, a friend told me a woman I used to really like had liked me too. She had also left a toxic relationship. That information gave my uncertainty another person to attach itself to.
Nothing has happened with her. I’m here, in a relationship with someone I care about, trying to sort through feelings I don’t want to turn into hurt.
I can describe so much that I love about my girlfriend. I can’t yet explain why I keep looking past it.
