I want to cheat on my girlfriend so she’ll know what it feels like. That’s the part I’m having trouble admitting without immediately trying to explain myself. But it’s where I am.
We’re both 21, and we’ve been together for four years. I’ve stayed faithful throughout the relationship. Over those years, I’ve caught her talking to her ex or cheating on me, and I’ve forgiven her. More than once, I’ve decided to keep going with someone who had already hurt me.
Now I look back at that forgiveness and feel like I made a mistake. At the time, forgiving her meant we could stay together. From here, it also means I’ve had to experience the same kind of discovery again.
There have been opportunities for me to be with other people. People have tried to hook up with me, and I’ve said no because I have a girlfriend. That answer felt straightforward. Whatever else was happening, I knew what I was agreeing to by being in this relationship.
Then I’d find out she was talking to other guys behind my back. The times I’d turned someone down would come back to me, and I’d feel angry all over again. I had wanted those opportunities, too. Having a very high sex drive makes that part harder to shrug off, because staying faithful hasn’t meant having no interest in anyone else.
I keep wanting her to understand the hurt from my side. In my angriest moments, cheating back seems like the most direct way to make that happen. I want her to feel what I felt when I found out.
I haven’t said that I’ve done it. I’m still at the point of wanting revenge, even wanting someone to help me carry it out. It’s an uncomfortable place to be after years of being the person who said no.
So that’s the question I’m left with: does anyone want to help me do this, or what am I supposed to do with how badly I want to?
