C told me we were friends. I keep returning to that answer, then remembering him standing outside in the cold while I smoked. He doesn’t smoke.
I’ve known him for about a year. We worked at the same restaurant and shared a social circle. He’s attractive, gets plenty of attention from women, and says he rarely pursues anyone. He’s also anxious. I sometimes wonder whether he avoids closeness, although that’s my impression, not something I know.
My own reactions are complicated. I have a history of sexual assault, and attraction can make me extremely anxious around men. Unless I’m drinking or high, I can panic and seem cold precisely when I’m interested.
At first, I didn’t consider him a romantic possibility. Then he began lingering near me, sometimes arriving early, making me laugh and complimenting me. He asked for my number and invited me to drinks and parties. Always with other people, usually last minute. I almost never went.
We grew closer anyway. He shared personal things and asked about my life. We teased and play-fought. He made a “daddy” joke, asked about Valentine’s Day, and seemed pleased we’d both be working. When I liked clothes he showed me, he pointed out our shared taste. Once, after I complimented his muscles in a photo, he asked me to repeat it.
Then came the storage room. He suggested we get something together. I asked why we both needed to go. He took my hand and insisted; I panicked and pulled away. Afterward, he barely spoke to me.
A few days later, he brought a date to the restaurant. Watching hurt. He kept looking over and coming to the bar, but I didn’t want to talk. After she left, he stayed, asked why I was quiet, and called my behavior suspicious. Eventually, alone together, we had an intense personal conversation. Nothing happened.
We became close again. Coworkers noticed our chemistry; some assumed we were together or had hooked up. After he quit, I texted to ask whether he’d ever had feelings for me. He said we were friends. I was devastated, and wished I’d plainly said I liked him.
Yet he still visited and seemed flirty. We kept holding eye contact. Months later, he was seeing someone he insisted wasn’t his girlfriend. At an event with her there, he ignored me and moved away whenever I came near. I couldn’t understand the sudden distance.
Lately, he texts to ask whether I’m working, stops by, and invites me to his new restaurant. Last time, he suggested I leave my job and work with him.
I still can’t get him out of my head. Did I miss a chance, is there still one, or have I been reading friendship as something else all along?
