When my girlfriend and I got back together last week, I booked flights to Malaysia for early December. After four weeks apart, we had another chance. I wanted to see her, and now there was an actual trip to look forward to.
Then she told me she had slept with someone while we were broken up.
I'm 29, she's 25, and we've been together for three years. We met in London, where she was studying. In September, she moved back to Malaysia. The distance caused problems, and eventually we broke up. For about four weeks, we weren't a couple. I know that. It's the part I keep coming back to whenever I try to make sense of how hurt I am.
She cried when she told me. She apologized and said she had done it because she was in pain. She said she still loved me. I still love her too, which makes this harder to untangle. The person I want to be close to is also the person I now struggle to think about without picturing her with another man.
I booked the trip when we reconciled, before she told me about him. The flights are still for the reunion I wanted. But I made that decision without knowing what I would be struggling with when it was time to leave.
I can accept that she was single during those weeks and still feel crushed by what happened. Accepting that fact doesn't instantly make me ready to carry on. At the same time, I don't want to turn my hurt into a claim that we were together when we weren't. There is no cleaner version of the timeline that would make this easier.
Her explanation tells me how she describes that time. It doesn't erase my reaction, and her apology hasn't made the images stop. Neither has the fact that we both say we still love each other. Getting back together was something we agreed to. Feeling settled in it again is proving much less immediate.
Now the holiday is approaching, and I'm unsure what going would mean. I could arrive wanting to reconnect and find that being with her helps. I could also arrive still caught up in this, with the pressure of a visit neither of us can simply treat as an ordinary evening together. Staying away would avoid that immediate situation, but it wouldn't settle whether I want the relationship to continue.
I haven't decided to cancel the flights. I haven't decided that love is enough to get on the plane either. Early December is still the date I booked to see her. I still don't know whether I'm going.
