The guy I’m seeing keeps asking why I look so self-conscious in photos. Why do I smile like that? Why can’t I smile naturally? He brings it up, then laughs, and I’m left trying to work out whether he’s helping or making fun of the very thing I already feel awkward about.
I’m 23, he’s 27, and whatever this is between us has been going on for more than a year. I really like him. That part, at least, isn’t confusing. Naming the situation is harder. We’ve had all that time, but I still describe us as being in a sort of something.
There’s another detail I can’t leave out. When he was showing me something on his phone, I accidentally saw messages that made it clear to me he was talking to at least one other girl. I’m not talking to anyone else. That doesn’t establish that we’ve agreed to be exclusive, and seeing those texts isn’t proof that he’s broken a promise. It does mean that the person taking up so much space in my thoughts has other conversations going.
That changes how the comments about photos land. On their own, they could be one man’s clumsy attempt to make a shy woman relax. Alongside the messages, they leave me wondering how much approval I’m trying to win from someone who is still looking elsewhere. I can like him without pretending that difference doesn’t matter.
I was camera-shy before his observations. He hasn’t discovered some secret flaw I needed pointed out. Being told to look less conscious of the camera gives me one more thing to be conscious of: apparently, even the way I’m trying to smile is noticeable. A photograph already asks me to hold an expression. Now I’m considering whether the expression looks sufficiently unconsidered.
What I can’t settle is his intention. Maybe he thinks he’s being reassuring and the laughter makes it friendly. Maybe it’s teasing that he enjoys more than I do. What bothers me is that he keeps returning to it. I don’t need to know exactly what he means to notice that hearing it again doesn’t make me feel more relaxed.
And yet I’m still reluctant to call it unkind. I like him enough to look for the generous explanation. I also know that liking him doesn’t tell me whether he’s being thoughtful. Those are separate questions, even when I’d very much prefer them to have the same answer.
He says I should smile naturally. I’m still wondering what he sees when he looks at me, and whether the laughter is meant to include me.
