When my boyfriend proposed, I wasn't secretly hoping for a way out. It was one of the most moving moments of my life. We'd been together for six years, we'd talked seriously about marriage, and I had never doubted that I wanted to marry him. A few months later, I can barely look him in the eye or wear my engagement ring.
I'm 25 and he's 26. He's reliable, emotionally mature, and willing to talk things through. Being with him has changed my understanding of what love can feel like. I feel safe with him. Even while our physical relationship was becoming difficult, I was happy to be his partner. That's what makes this sudden fear so hard to explain: the person I wanted a future with is still the person in front of me.
The trouble with sex started well before the proposal. For the past two or three years, since I began working in investment banking, our sex life hasn't been good. Work left me exhausted. I gained weight, felt less attractive, and struggled to find the energy to do anything about how I was feeling. Desire became something I couldn't seem to summon, however much I cared about him.
I knew sex mattered to him, so I tried to have it out of obligation. When I was too tired, I felt guilty. Gradually, that guilt became tangled up with physical affection. A kiss stopped feeling like just a kiss; I worried it would lead to sex I didn't have the energy to want. I started pulling away, and we could go weeks without kissing. I could still feel secure in the relationship while avoiding physical closeness.
Then, a few months after getting engaged, I began feeling anxious about committing to him for the rest of my life. The feeling seemed to arrive suddenly, even though the difficulties with affection had been there much longer. I've been crying for weeks. I feel guilty about the doubts themselves, as if having them already means I've done something to him. Sometimes all I want is to get away and hide, without having to explain why the future I wanted now frightens me.
At the same time, my boss wants to send me to another country for two years. It's a major opportunity, but it would mean saying goodbye to the colleagues I work with now. One of them is a man who has shown interest in me from the beginning. We work together on a large portfolio, spend a lot of time together, and have become close friends. We talk openly and let each other see our vulnerable sides.
My feelings for him are becoming harder to name. I can't tell how much is romantic attraction and how much is the sadness of possibly leaving someone I'm close to. But some days I imagine kissing him. That part is specific, however confused the rest feels. I've been holding myself back from getting closer because I don't want to wrong my partner.
The move is still a possibility, not a decision I've made. I haven't resolved what I feel about my colleague, either. For now, I'm engaged to a man I love and can't imagine losing, while struggling to wear the ring I once wanted.
