My ex-wife cheated on me with the contractor who helped remodel our kitchen. We’ve been divorced for about two years, and I still think about what I found on her iPad.
I was older, overweight, and a nerd. She was blonde, twenty when we married, and someone I thought was far out of my league. She was funny and fun to be around. I loved making a life with someone who could make me laugh like that, even while part of me wondered how I’d managed to marry her.
The contractor seemed happy to encourage every insecurity I had. He made fun of my lack of handyman skills, dismissed my ideas, and talked down to me in my own house. He also complimented her right in front of me. I hated his arrogance before I knew anything else.
She was seeing him while I was away on business trips. One weekend, I had access to her iPad and read the messages.
They were full of excitement about him: his build, his confidence, the way he made her feel. She described him as a “real man.” Reading that hurt in a way I still struggle to explain without sounding as though I’m making a case against myself.
Our own intimacy had often left me feeling inadequate. I tried to please her, but sometimes she would turn away and reassure me that she was fine. After reading those messages, I went back over those moments with a much crueler explanation in my head.
She wrote about spending whole mornings in his apartment and enjoying things with him that she’d refused with me. Those details became pictures I couldn’t stop imagining. I wasn’t there, but I’ve replayed them for two years.
After the divorce, I deleted my social media because I felt embarrassed. Recently, I made another account so I could look her up again. I also keep returning privately to memories of the few intimate moments we shared.
I tell myself I’ll never be with someone like her again. Then I tell myself that even if I were, she probably wouldn’t stay. I know how harsh that sounds. It’s still where my mind goes.
The kitchen remodel ended. The marriage ended. Two years later, I’ve made myself another account to see what she’s doing.
