I have a question for men who aren’t over their exes: would you still start dating someone new? Not somewhere down the road, once the feelings have settled. Now, while you still miss her.
I can understand wanting company. Missing someone doesn’t switch off the part of you that wants to meet another person, laugh with her, or have something to look forward to. What I get stuck on is the new woman, arriving without knowing how much of the previous relationship is still hanging around.
Would you be worried about hurting her? She might be getting excited about you while you’re still trying to work out whether you’re excited about her—or just relieved to feel interested in anyone again. From her side, those things could look exactly the same.
Then there’s the possibility that she reminds you of your ex. Maybe they look alike. Maybe it’s her personality, or a familiar way of reacting to something. I wonder whether that resemblance would make dating her easier at first, or make it suddenly feel like too much.
There’s something especially complicated about being liked for a quality that belongs to you, only to discover it also brings someone else to mind. The new woman hasn’t done anything except be herself. Still, she could end up in a comparison she never knew was happening.
I’m not assuming every lingering feeling means a new relationship is doomed. I’m trying to understand what it actually feels like from the other side. Can you still miss your ex and give someone new a fair chance? And if a familiar smile makes you miss the old relationship more, would you keep going?
